Time To Start Over

So, I've decided to write in purple tonight... I have officially started over. I am filing for divorce, and it is the best thing for me and the kids right now. Things are going to be tough, but I know that I have a great family and good friends when I need them.

So as for friends, I got two of my best friends back! Ryan and I have been friends since right after I graduated from high school almost ten years ago (I can't believe it's been that long), and we always seem to lose touch and get back in touch again. Finally, we have each other. I don't know where it's going but it's fun trying to find out. He's going to come and see me this weekend, and we haven't seen each other in about 6 years so it'll be interesting!!! And Stephanie, my best friend from High School... I got in touch with a few of her cousins, and got her email, and so far, it seems like things will be good. I've missed her so much, her family was like my family, and her mom has always been my 2nd mom. I hope to see her soon!! I never cried so hard as when I found out she had a baby. He's adorable, and I can't wait to meet him! And I've got Lindsay, she's the most treasured friend I have. We've known each other since preschool, and thanks to the wonders of the internet we've found each other. She's amazing. She's always there when I need to talk, and I couldn't ask for a better friend! Thank you Lindsay!!

As for the kids, they are taking things really well. Peter is doing great in school, and for the first time in months, he went to sleep with out a TV on. I think that's exactly what he needed. Jacquelyne is driving me nuts! She's on a major attitude spree, and it's almost like she thinks she is 16, and not 3!! Matthew is almost walking... I wish he would hurry up and start... He keeps climbing in my cupboards and getting stuck because all he can do is crawl. Peter just got his first math test back... 80%!!!! Woo hoo! I am so proud of him!!

As for me, my emotions are scattered. Sometimes I'm happy, then I'm sad, and then I'm mad. I have decided that it is me time, and there is no better time than the present to find out who I truly am and what happened to the old me? I guess we'll just wait and see!

My new goal is to blog at least every other day. It helps get my emotions out, and that's exactly what I need!

To end with a quote...

"In everyone's life, at some time, our inner fire goes out. It is then burst into flame by an encounter with another human being. We should all be thankful for those people who rekindle the inner spirit." ~Albert Schweitzer

Time Flies

So, my last post was about how I thought it was time to file for divorce. Wrong, didn't do it, but still thinking things could be better. I still can't trust him, and what is a relationship without trust? I think he thinks that I'll be here no matter what, but that is wrong. I can no longer sit here and be put through the same shit over and over again. It isn't fair to me, and it isn't fair to my kids. They need a mother who is strong and not always ready to melt. I always feel like I need to cry and just cry. I don't get it. It isn't fair.
To other things, the kids are doing good. Matthew will be 10 months on the 19th, and we are getting ready to plan his first birthday. A big first birthday, with his first set of BBQ ribs. That's right, my Aunt said that she'd stand outside in the cold and BBQ Matthew ribs for his first birthday. Peter has started school, turned 7, and lost another tooth. He's doing great. I am so proud of him. Jacquelyne starts preschool tomorow at daycare, and I am so excited for her. She is going to learn to write her name already! Hooray! Ballet starts in December, and she is totally excited. We are even taking a mommy and me class to start.
And... I'm working again! I love it. I'm doing collections, which I've always been good at, and it seems that's what I am fit to be doing. I love it. I have no problem being yelled at. It's actually kinda fun. And I enjoy being outta the house for most the day. It's my quiet time. I need it.
We've tried a marriage counselor, who suggested I go to grief counseling. I've had a super hard time since my dad died, and now I need to start healing. I am going to start a journal with letters to him. That way I can tell him things day to day and know that I'm not crazy. Just so he knows that I do miss him!!
Other than that, things have been good. Tired, but good.

Is It Time?

So, lately, my facebook status and myspace status have been all jumbled and crazy. But I'm beginning to wonder if I am not the one who is crazy. I think I am just all stressed out and am tired of all the bologna. There are only a few people who know what is really going on. And I have been trying to keep it that way. I thank god that I have made it through, and that I know he is there to push me through the rest of the way. All I want to know is if it's time. Time for the big D. I don't know... I guess that's what is troubling me the most. I am tired of all the bullshit, all the drama from him and even parts of his family. I love him, yes, but I don't trust him. After all, don't you need trust for a relationship? I know I do. I wouldn't want to be with someone who didn't trust me. That's just the way I feel. I watch my kids get older and watch us fight and I know that they need me to be stable. Mentally stable, and with him, I don't think I am. I think this is the end, but I'm not sure... Is It Time? I keep asking myself that question over and over again! I don't know, I guess only time will tell, Is he really gonna change this time? Doubt it. You would think that we have been through so much, and that things would reallychange. But he's never changed and I don't know if he ever will! And that's just that!!

WHY?!?!?!?!?!

Why is it everytime I leave, he gets back and does all those stupid things? Apparently I am not allowed to go on vacation at all!!!! FUCKER! I hate him so much sometimes!!!

And... Matthew update!!! He is now crawling, pulling himself up (on EVERYTHING), saying mama, dada, and it sounds like he is trying to say I love you, and growling!! He's turning into a pill like his sister, getting in to everything!! It's going to be fun!!

California Adventures!!

So, it's been awhile, and I thought I better fill everybody in!!

Monday the 10th, me, Peter and Jacquelyne took off to California with my mom, niece, and nephew. The kids were so excited, and so was I! So, here's a look at what we did...

10th: Flew in to California, checked in at the hotel. Our room wasn't ready so they held our bags for us, while we went to Disneyland! Went to Disneyland. Right as we walked in, Peter was chosen to play the drums with Donald Duck. Didn't do much, walked around mostly. Had dinner reservations at 6:00... a Character dining. So Fun! It was a buffet at Goofy's Kitchen in Disneyland Hotel. The kids met Goofy, Pluto, Minnie, Sleeping Beauty, and Cinderella. Peter was so excited! Jacquelyne loved Cinderella. And the Cinderella was amazing! She spent about 10 minutes with Jacquelyne alone! We went back to the hotel, and went to bed!

11th: Got up and went to California Adventures park. There wasn't as much for Jacq to do there, but she still had fun! They have an awesome roller coaster and a 1000 foot drop there, so it was way cool! We had a princess lunch. Jacq got to meet Ariel, Sleeping Beauty, Cinderella, Belle, and Snow White. She loved it. Everyday she asks if she can eat with the princesses. Played around the park and watched the Electrical Parade. Jacq saw Cinderella's mice and almost ran out to see them.

12th: Went to Sea World in San Diego. Saw Shamu and a bunch of other sea animals. But the best was definitely Shamu. I've seen the Orcas a thousand times in the islands, but it's way cooler to be so close to them. It never ceases to amaze me. There were two rides there that got me and my neice Jessica soaked!! It was awesome though! We had so much fun there! Rode a shuttle back and then for the first time in my life, we had room service! It was so cool!! Oh yeah, they have a Sesame Street thing there and the kids got to meet Elmo!!

13th: Went back to Disneyland. Started out with a character breakfast. I got to meet Eeyore! He is by far my favorite disney character!! Had a wonderful breakfast, and Peter got to sing the Bibbidy Boppidy Boo song with Cinderella's fairy godmother. It was awesome. We went to all different places in Disneyland and rode rides. Splash Mountain, Indiana Jones, and meeting Winnie the Pooh, Tigger, and Eeyore were my favorites of the day. Jacq didn't have much to ride, but you'll see there was more for her!! Watched the fireworks that night, and Tinkerbell and Dumbo both flew over Sleeping Beauty's castle. That is all I've heard about from Jacquelyne since. It was amazing!!

14th: Went to Universal Studios. Rode on all the rides. Jacq couldn't do anything there. Shrek 4-D was it. It wasn't fun for her at all. But, Peter and I rode on Jurassic Park and the Mummy ride. They were awesome! Peter's favorite was the Simpsons Ride. It was pretty cool too! We had dinner at the Hard Rock Cafe. That was the best burger I've ever eaten! Then our bus driver took us through the Walk of Fame, Kodak Theater, and the Chinese Theater where everyone's hand prints are. That night, we got back and went swimming. We left my mom at the hotel.

15th: Went to Disneyland, and rode the rest of the rides. Jacq got to ride everything!! She even rode on the Matterhorn, twice!! It was awesome for her, she loved it! We stayed long enough that it was after 11 when we got back to our hotel! The kids were having so much fun!

16th: Went and did the last little bit of Disneyland! We didn't get to ride anything in Toon Town, but that was because the lines were just way too long, and we were way too tired! So, we looked around, did the souvenier thing, and went back to the hotel. We went swimming! Then had a nice dinner at the hotel. Topped off by going to bed early, it was wonderful!!

17th: Got up, packed up the Hotel room, and checked out. Dropped our luggage off at the front desk of the hotel. We went to CoCo's for breakfast, and then walked to Anaheim Garden Walk (an outdoor mall) where we watched the new Adam Sandler/Seth Rogen movie "Funny People". Not such a good movie for my kids, but the rest of us enjoyed it! Then walked back to the hotel, got our luggage, and rode the shuttle to the airport. Got on the plane and came back to Seattle.

This was the best vacation of my life. I did miss my husband and my baby boy, but all in all, I had a great time!!

I'll post pictures soon!!

They Come Today!

I am so excited! My dad will be here in a little over 5 hours... I amleaving here around 3:30 to meet them at the airport... I CAN'T WAIT!

There are so many other things going on though! I haven't heard from my mother-in-law since sunday, and I am getting worried. There's no phone either! I've tried myspace, yahoo messenger, etc. and still no word! My husband doesn't know though, so that's good, otherwise we'd be driving up there, and I don't want to!

Anyways, everything is good here... just excited for my dad and sisters and stepmom to be here!!!

Whoa!

I have been doing a ton of research over the past few days, and even now, when I should be getting a nap in, considering I have been exhausted lately, I am researching more and more. I am finding out that we need to get Peter's diagnosis. He is doing so good at Grandma's (he's been there since late Wednesday night) and it's given me some time to catch up on my rest, and prepare things for him. I love him so much, it's not even funny. I seriously think if I didn't have him, I wouldn't be here right now. He saved my life. He is an amazing little boy with such a personality. Anyways, I have researched alot! I found out about repetition and what it means to him, and about his fits. The fits that make me want to lose my mind! I also learned from Grandma and Grandpa that I need to be firm with him, because it's not helping any of my children by being a pushover. I REALLY need to learn that. I have been trying it with Jacquelyne since she got home from my mom's yesterday and she is actually taking a nap at naptime. Tonight, she sleeps in her own bed! Wahoo!! But I've learned alot. In less than 29 hours my dad, stepmom, and two little sisters will be here from Texas... I CAN'T WAIT! I know that we are going to have a blast! And I am excited to get to spend time with them!! I will definitely be blogging every night so I can update everyone!! I am psyched... so tomorrow, I meet them at the airport (to surprise my dad), and I can't wait... so time to take a nap... the kids are both sleeping!!

Hasta Luego! (I knew 3 years of Spanish would come to use for something!) Oh and by the way, I posted almost 50 pictures to Facebook this morning (most of them are Jacquelyne taking pictures of herself!!)